who am i?
i stood up from the toilet, caught a glance of myself in the mirror and my reflection startled me. it’s not like i’ve had some secret surgery and i’m afraid of my new face, it’s that i’ve changed so much internally that i can’t see myself anymore. i’ve almost learned too much about me, now i have to start again. hi, what’s your name? what’s your favourite colour?
it’s that awkward time of year when everyone asks you how your year went and you have to respond in a thoughtful and introspective way. You can’t be honest and say it was a bit shit because you’ll bring the vibe down.
this year i lost all my baby fat (though i still cling to babyhood) and my face is more angular. i’ve been trying to lose weight (half heartedly, i just ate 100g of peruvian salted chocolate). i think my semi-dieting is working. however, i’m also tired so the gaunt look could just be exhaustion.
this is taking a turn lol so let’s bring it back. who am i? i ask myself more and more frequently these days. i met a smart and intimidating woman in new york last week who said that my dreams were too small. that felt weird, i’ve always been told that my dreams are too big, so much so that i’ve actually forgotten what my biggest dreams are. isn’t that a scary revelation to have?
i wanted to journal last night about my biggest dreams, in hope that when i slept, i would, dream. it felt intimidating, i felt stuck. what are my dreams? i’ve always been told that i’m clever. at my year 11 parent’s evening my gcse english teacher said “mikai could coast and she’d be perfectly fine, so it’s important that she doesn’t”. i haven’t coasted *at all* and i will say im tired. sometimes dreaming big feels weird when you look like me (keeping it brand-friendly).
who am i? i bought a sewing machine and made my prom dress at 16. started doing hair in my university bedroom at 18 (long perfected from doing hair in the playground). i decided to do a masters degree at 22 (at LSE of course). started hairstyling for red carpet, tv and more at 23. made a womenswear line at 23 (which made me £30,000 profit in my first 6 months of business) opened a photography studio at 24 (sank £15,000 but at least i have great furniture now). i then decided to be a beauty influencer at 25. i love business, i love beauty, i love women, i love making things. is it weird to say my dream is ‘everything, everywhere all at once’?
i want it all.
I turned 25 and began to receive A LOT of comments about how my dreams were too big. This had never happened before. I apparently needed to settle down and think about marriage and kids. I am still shocked at the amount of resistance I was met with for being a dreamer, for always aspiring for more. At 26, this hasn't changed much and there are very few people who reassure me that I'm not crazy to want more. I have always asked myself who I was or who I wanted to be, but with the feeling that there were no limits to how much I could expand. Now, I doubt a lot more. At 26, I'm making a list of moral and values, almost like my own terms and conditions, from me to me, to further assess who I am. I never anticipated self-discovery to be this hard. Often, I wonder if self-discovery is just getting back to my old self. Maybe I know her already, I just need to give her more space. Anyway, thank you for this piece!
"is it weird to say my dream is ‘everything, everywhere all at once’?"
it's not. you dream it, you go for it. <3